literature

Cold

Deviation Actions

WingsofMorphius's avatar
Published:
1.5K Views

Literature Text

Cold

---

Eyes that burn to my soul’s core
Yet freeze without a touch
It can’t be fair to fight this war
When I loved you so much

---

“Aren’t you cold?” I blinked, turning to face my father as he approached me, a coat in his hand, “It’s nearly thirty degrees out here, Sweetie. If you’re planning to go out again, you should wear this so you don’t get sick.”

“I’m fine, Dad,” I answered stepping away from him and towards the door, aching for my escape. The cold air didn’t bother me, not when compared to other things that were even colder… “And I’m not gonna be long, okay? I just wanna clear my head a bit, maybe scan the area again.” My father frowned at me softly.

“He’s not coming back,” He told me softly, his eyes stern and his tone blunt. My dad didn’t like evading a problem any more then I did.

I guess that’s where I got my initial Charge-Head-First-And-Take-No-Prisoners attitude from. Though like him, I’d learned to control it, step back and calculate things before I made a move. It was how I’d lived for so long in such a harsh world, how I helped keep everyone else alive…

“I’ll be back before dark,” I said, not acknowledging his point. A part of me knew he was right… but a bigger part just wouldn’t accept that it was all over just like that.

“But-!” I closed the door behind me before I had to listen to my dad’s protest. I felt a little guilty for the tactless treatment of one of the man who was probably the only person I really had left, but I really needed my time alone right now. I just wasn’t in the mood to deal with anybody, my dad included.

Then again, after everything I’d been through, I didn’t like letting anyone too close, not even him. How could I? I’d been betrayed by nearly everyone I care about. First my mother, then my mentor, but the worst of all was…

I shook my head, trying to dispel these thoughts, but it was already too late. A familiar pain built up in my chest and my eyes pricked with tears I was too stubborn to cry. I closed my eyes to fight the tears back, and was greeted with the memory of the evil glow of your blood red eyes piercing into me, leaving me bare and afraid as your cold voice whispered cruel words, your mouth twisting into that unforgiving smirk…

Growling, I shook my head again, trying to get rid of those eyes. YOUR eyes. I hadn’t seen them in nearly a month, and they still haunted me like you were watching me just around the next corner…

‘Is that just paranoia?’ I wondered bitterly, ‘Or is it guilt?’ either way, I was restless lately.

I couldn’t sleep lately, couldn’t eat and I’d start shaking for no explainable reason. Sometimes, I even heard your voice. But the thing that most scared me about that was that it wasn’t the cold insensitive one I’d sworn to silence forever, but the one I most longed to forget…

---

I refused to understand you
When first given the chance
That was my fault, that is true
But we’re partners in this dance

---

“…”

The silence was deafening in front of the monument now that all the other well-wishers had cleared away, leaving you to mourn in peace and me to give you whatever support I could.

Not that I’d be that much help. I’d never felt awkward around you before, but now I couldn’t think of anything to say, no matter how much I wanted to console you, to help you through the pain of losing your family… Tucker…

…Sam…

I closed my eyes, breathing deep to try and restrain the tears. I didn’t know any of your family too well, and I didn’t get along with your friends… but even I was hurt at the thought that they were really gone. That I’d never get to see them again.

If it hurt this much for me, you had to be in hell right now.

“Danny,” I said, my voice hoarse from the long silence. “Come on. We need to leave.” You didn’t blink. Didn’t show any sign of hearing me at all. I didn’t have the courage to repeat myself.

My eyes moved from your slumped form to the memorial in front of us for everyone you ever loved. We couldn’t give them proper burials. The bodies had been completely obliterated in the explosion. Nothing had survived… nothing could have in that kind of blast…

Next thing I knew, I was on my knees, my arms wrapped around you in a tight hug and my face buried into your shoulders. I didn’t know who I was trying to comfort any more, me or you.

“Danny…” What could I say? How could I make you see that I was willing to stand with you through this, like you’d stood with me when everyone else had abandoned me?

“They’re gone,”

My eyes snapped open and my head shot up when I heard that. The first thing you’d said since the accident.

“They’re really gone… aren’t they?” you turned to look at me as you asked this, but it was obvious that you didn’t really see me. Still, you were trying. You was reaching out, trying to keep in touch with a world you were losing as fast as you’d lost your loved ones.

“Yes,” I answered quietly, taking your hands in my own. “Danny… I… I’m sorry…” What was I apologizing for? The fact your friends and family were all dead? Or was it because I might’ve been able to do something to prevent it if I’d been there? More likely, though, it had something to do with how I felt so horrible at the empty, broken look into your blue eyes…

I jumped in surprise when the empty look was replaced with pure rage so quickly, I completely missed the transformation.

“DAMN IT!” You screamed, tearing your hands from mine to pound at the earth, “Damn it! This is all my fault! All my…” The rest of your words were indecipherable as they got lost in your sobs.

“It wasn’t your fault, Danny,” I told you firmly, raising my voice to make sure you heard me. I was honestly shaken by the display. I’d never seen you act like that before, not when Dash was bullying you at school, not when Mr. Lancer picked on you for small offences… never. “It was an accident. No one knew the Nasty Burger was gonna blow like that.”

“Jazz did,” You told me tonelessly. “She came to warn us… Sam and Tucker were there to defend me… We tried to get out but it was too late… My Dad…”

You didn’t have to say anything else. I’d heard the rest on the news, and from the police. Mr. Lancer had called your family down to discuss you CAT exam, and Sam and Tucker had shown up to support you, true friends as always.

Jazz found out about how the Nasty Burger was a time bomb just waiting to blow and came to warn everyone, only to be caught in the explosion herself when the warning came too late. The only reason you were still alive was because your father had shielded you from the blast, one last noble sacrifice from a father to his son. That alone was enough to make the rest of Amity forgive him for all his bumblings.

I swallowed painfully, not even wanting to know how this all weighed on your conscience. It wasn’t your fault, just one series of misfortunate events after another, but how could you ever see it any other way? How could you ever forgive yourself for their deaths?

“It won’t stop,” You told me hoarsely, closing your eyes. “It feels like I’m dying, but I’m not. Even though I’m the one who deserves to die…”

“Don’t say that!” I said, my eyes widening at that statement.

“Don’t deny it, Valerie,” You didn’t even bother to look at me when you addressed me by name. “You hate me more then any of them…”

“No I don’t!” I said stubbornly, glaring at you as I rose to my feet and put my hands on my hips, “I love you, Danny!” I froze when I realized what I’d just said. That was far from the way I’d wanted to confess my crush on you, after all, and definitely not the right time.

“Stop it, Valerie,” You said, completely unfazed by my confession. “Don’t kid yourself like that,”

“I’m not kidding myself!” I snapped at you, falling back to my knees to glare at you eye-to-eye, “And I’m not going to let you talk about yourself like that, Danny!” Before I thought about what I was doing, I’d already leaned forward, grabbing a handful of Danny’s shirt to pull him in for a kiss.

It wasn’t the loving kind of kiss you hear about all the time in those mushy romance novels. It was too desperate, too pained for that. I wanted so badly for you to know that I was still here. Even with everyone else you loved gone, I was still there for you…

You pushed me away with strength I never knew you possessed, jumping to your feet at the same time to glare down at me angrily.

“Don’t you get it, Valerie?” You snapped, your glare never relenting. “Damn it, can’t you see?”

“See what?” I yelled back, returning the glare. “What are you talking-?” The next thing I knew, a ring of light circled your waist, splitting into two rings that traveled up and down your body, leaving a very familiar and far less welcome teen in your place.

Danny Phantom.

“Well, Valerie,” You… Phantom… whatever I was supposed to call you… said shortly, “Do you still love me?”

I couldn’t move. Thought was impossible for me. All I could do was stare into those green eyes, finally seeing the similarities between my crush and my prey. Then my eyes moved down to the emblem on his chest and I didn’t want to think. All I wanted to do was wake up from this hellish nightmare…

Without saying a word, I jumped up and ran away as fast as my legs could carry me, feeling your eyes on my the whole time I ran, even after I’d left you far, far behind.

---

This chaos on my heart and head
Keeps driving me to tears
All the lies that I’ve been fed
All these useless fears

---

‘Would I have acted like that if I’d known that was going to be the last time I saw you?’ I wondered sadly as I made my way down the street. ‘What could I have done instead, though, with the way you caught me off guard like that?’ I never thought about your feelings as I took off like that. I was far too shocked, too hurt by the deceit I’d been victim to.

You moved away the next day, apparently going to live with Mr. Masters. I didn’t see you off, even though Dad offered to drive me to your house to do so. I couldn’t bear seeing you again knowing what I now knew. How long had you been planning to trick me like that? And how did I never notice the signs?

As angry as  was at you for lying to me, I didn’t tell anyone you were Phantom. Even when my dad would ask me what happened on that day, shocked that I wouldn’t want to help you in your time of need when I’d been the biggest support you’d have so far. At first, it was because I was still coming to terms with it myself.

Two weeks later, when you came back to Amity, I had a new reason to keep it secret…

“You’re sure you’re alright?” Dad asked me on that fateful day, frowning at me in concern. “I can call the lab and tell them I can’t come in today if you need company, sweetheart.”

“I’m fine, Dad,” I said. I wasn’t, but nothing my dad could do would change anything now. I knew we needed all the money we could get, and I wasn’t going to let my emotional turmoil wreak my dad’s life. This was my problem, not his. “I just need a little me time right now. I’ll call you if anything comes up.” Dad hesitated a moment longer.

“If you say so, Valerie,” He says at last, “Call me if you need me for anything. And please stay safe,” I was surprised he’d added that last part. After all, I hadn’t donned my hunting gear once since I saw you morph into my worst enemy right in front of my eyes, something I knew for a fact dad had noticed.

A part of me wondered later if he’d known somewhere deep down how that day would turn out…

Sighing heavily, I buried my face into my pillow, still reluctant to confront this new twist in my life. Glancing up, my eyes found a picture of us, from a school fair where you and I had been in charge of the shooting corral, being the only two people in school who knew how to successfully fire a gun.

We were both grinning widely into the camera, our eyes dancing with laugher and our expressions a little goofy. You were wearing one of the dumb hats you’d won that day at the dunking booth, where you’d spent a good amount of the day getting retribution on Dash Baxter.

I on the other hand had my face painted up like a leopard, whiskers included and a matching cat ear headband secured on my head. In my arms was a stuffed dog, the prize you’d won me in one of the many times you’d dunked Dash.

It didn’t even matter to me that you’d also won prizes for Tucker, Sam, both your parents, Jazz, Mr. Lancer, Mrs. Ishiyama and several students who were just passing by, either. The fact that you’d won it for me still made me feel special…

Looking at the stuffed dog, I suddenly remembered the ghost dog that had gotten me into this mess in the first place, and anger consumed me. Grabbing the picture off the shelf, I threw it at the wall with all my might, the frame shattering on impact.

“Damn it!” I yelled, tearing down all the picture I had of Phantom you on my wall, “Damn you!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, tossing the newspaper clippings everywhere before sinking to my knees. “…Why?”

My eyes welled up with tears, and this time I didn’t bother to stop them. I deserved a good cry after all this. Never in my life had I felt so hopeless and alone. Not when my mother abandoned me and my dad when I was still a little girl, not when I lost my friends, house and popularity in a 24 hour timeframe… never.

“Why?”

My eyes were drawn to the crumpled newspaper story about you sitting right next to my hand. The article was from The Post, and it was something about your love life, with picture of not only you, but Paulina and Sam too.

I’d considered most of the article a complete work of crock when I first read it, but still kept it for reference. The black and white picture showed you smirking right into the camera, though the other two of the girls appeared to have caught them off guard. I didn’t care about them, though. My eyes stayed trained on your photo. I’d always considered it something of a personal challenge for me, your way of taunting me to come and get you…

…Now, though, I didn’t see a monster who needed to be hunted anymore. I saw a kid like me, who’d lost everything else he cared about and was left with nothing to hold onto, nowhere to go.

‘I still have dad,’ I realized, blinking at the picture as my tears still fell, ‘Even when I had everything else taken away, dad was still there to help me, to love me. Danny doesn’t have anyone anymore… not even me.’ I felt a crushing guilt start to gnaw away at my stomach then.

I’d been so selfish, thinking only of myself, when Danny had suffered through much more then I had. And when he turned to me, when I should’ve stayed to help him, I ran away like a coward, a loser.

Drying my tears the best I could, I stood up and went over to the phone, picking it up to dial Mr. Master’s number. Maybe there was still time… maybe I could apologize, fix this before it was too late and Danny and I were left living in pain and regret…

I jumped when a loud beeping noise cut off my thoughts.

“We’re sorry,” A pleasant female voice chirped into my ear when I brought the phone back, “The number you have dialed is currently unavailable…” I frowned at the message.

‘That can’t be right…’ I thought, pressing down to disconnect before dialing the number again. The same message came back to me, then again when I tried the third time, listening carefully at the numbers to make sure I’d dialed right.

Confused and frustrated, I slammed the phone back on to the hook. After considering my options for a moment, I squared my resolve and grabbed my coat, keys and money, determined to catch the next bus to Wisconsin.

That’s when the power cut out.

I stopped short, twisting to look out the window. The street outside and all the nearby apartments were still all lit up, which didn’t sit well with me. Tensing, I made my way over to the bed, drawing out the ecto-gun I kept between my mattress and my box spring. I maintained diligence as I slipped silently towards the door, kicking it open and preparing myself for anything.

“Hello, Valerie.” I couldn’t contain my gasp at the sight of you floating in the middle of my living room, the ecto-gun in my hands lowering.

“Danny?” I whispered hoarsely, my eyes going wide.

You didn’t look anything like yourself anymore. Not the way I knew you, at any rate. Your snowy white hair seemed to have the same flame effect as Embers, and your face had gone from a natural, acceptable pale coloring to a sick blue color that was more common among ghost.

The biggest change, though, was in those blood red eyes that were calculating my every move as I made them. The ones showed no emotion, no remorse. Nothing but the hunter’s icy instinct I knew all too well.

“What’s the matter, Valerie?” You asked tauntingly. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” I frowned. That sounded like something you’d say, but it lacked any of the warmth you would’ve said it in. Just a cold, acidic tone of a cat playing with the prey it’d caught before it killed and devoured it.

“Who are you?” I asked, my ecto-gun raising again, “What have you done with Danny?” You grinned back at me, vampire-like fangs glinting in the green glow of my charging weapon, and the supernatural light you yourself gave off.

“I am Danny,” You tell me, fading from view. I jump when you appeared again behind me, whispering into my ear. “I just removed my weaker half.”

I jumped away from you as fast as I could without showing my fear, glaring at you as I back myself up until I was trapped against a wall. There were no windows or doors that I could get to without going through you first now, though, so I was pretty stuck. And if the sadistic grin you were giving me now meant anything, you knew it.

“What do you mean weaker half?” I repeated, my glare never relenting.

“Let’s just say that that idiot Vlad was right about something for once,” You said, your tone lazy, almost bored. As if it was too trivial a subject for you to bother with. “I do much better without my human half weighting me down,” I gasped when the insinuation of what he was saying fully hit me.

“What do you mean?” I asked softly, “You didn’t… You couldn’t have…!”

“Couldn’t I?” You jeer, “He was the human, Valerie, not me. I could care less what happened to him, or my family and friends. When I got the chance to be free, I merely took advantage of the perfect situation and got rid of my only liability, since I could be put back as easily as I came out,” You laugh at my horrified expression. “Don’t look so sad, Valerie, it was what he wanted. No more human emotions, no more guilt… He just wanted all of it to fade away…”

“How did you separate?” I demanded, glaring and raising the ecto-gun again. I didn’t know how much help it would be, but it was all I had right now. “Answer me!”

“Plasmius,” You answered, smirking, “The first half ghost. Though I suppose you know him better as Vlad Masters?” I felt my eyes widen in shock. Mr. Masters was just like you? Then… this whole time…

“That’s right, Valerie,” You sneered, as if reading my mind, “This whole time you’ve been tricked. Plasmius lied to you to get to me. He knew that the old me would never hurt a human, even if they tried to kill me. The new Danny Phantom, however…”

“Shut up,” I hissed, “You don’t scare me,” This… thing… may have come from you, but it wasn’t really you, was it? Everything was different, your voice, your gestures, the look in your eyes… it didn’t fit up with Fenton OR Phantom.

“Don’t I?” You mocked hurt, “Well, I guess I’ll have to fix that…” You disappear again and I tense, moving in a circle to try and keep my back front being in one direction for too long. It didn’t help, though. Not when you appeared in front of me as if by magic. I braced myself for an attack of some sort, but what I got was much different.

Yanking me forward by my gun arm, you kissed me full on the lips, a harsh and painful kiss, completely lacking of affection. I struggle to get away and you nicked my lips with your fangs in warning before parting at last, pushing me away as hard as you can so I crash into the wall and crumple painfully to the ground.

“Well, Valerie,” You called out as I panted for breath, trying desperately to stop my shaking hands. “I ask you again; Do you still love me?” I didn’t respond except to glare at you hatefully while I tried to catch my breath, earning a small bark of laugher, “I thought as much…” You drolled out lazily, “At any rate, I’m not going to kill you today. Instead I give you a warning. The human world is too pathetic for me to waste time on right now, so I’m heading into the Ghost Zone. Once I’ve conquered that, I’ll return here to eliminate the rest of mankind.”

“Why warn us, then?” I snapped. You grin at me, those fangs glinting again and the blood on one of them- my blood- made my lip throb painfully in a reminder of that kiss.

“Like I said, you humans are pathetic,” you answered, “I’m giving you the chance to become at least partially entertaining for me. Don’t worry, I’ll save Amity Park for last. Too many ‘fond’ memories here.” You laugh coldly as you float upwards, going intangible as you go through my ceiling. “Until then… Valerie.”

---

I locked away my love for you
And turned to live my life in hate
Since no matter what we say or do
This was destined as our fate

---

“Valerie?”

Jerking back into the present, I turn to face the woman who was approaching me, tense at first but then relaxing when I took in the familiar features of her face, which was still pretty despite the fact that her eyes no longer held the sneaky, manipulative look I knew so well back in high school.

“Oh, Paulina,” I said, slowing to a reluctant stop. After all, I still didn’t want to talk to anyone just right now. “It’s been a while…” Paulina smiled sadly back.

“Si…” She said quietly.

Despite her shallow nature back when we were all kids, Paulina had taken pity on human you when you lost everything, though she never actually addressed this with you. She had also been one of the citizens most horrified at the sudden change in your ghost form, refusing to believe her hero could turn on her like that.

She’d actually sought you out to confront you, and just barely came back from the meeting alive even with me there to defend her. She’d never been the same since that day, growing eerily quieter and submissive, and eagerly taking over her grandmothers floral and herb store upon her death, despite her family’s protest.

She was a surprisingly hard worker, and I had no doubt that the flowers I found every year at the memorial for the Fentons both upon the day of their death and the fatal day she herself tried to talk to you were from her.

“Could you come with me for a moment?” Paulina asked me, “It won’t take long, I swear.” I wanted to protest, but the earnest look in her eyes made me stop.

“Sure,” I sighed, following her into her store. That was my job, after all, to keep everyone here as safe and happy as possible on my own.

I was supposed to be the pillar of strength that fought away the monsters and demons, the encyclopedia of knowledge that worked tirelessly to decipher secrets no human was ever meant to know. I was supposed to be the hero now that you’d abandoned the role. I was the one last hope…

“Is it true?” Paulina asked as the door closed behind us. “What everyone’s saying I mean. Is Phantom really gone forever?” I wasn’t surprised at the question, or the tone Paulina asked it in. Though she’d hidden it well from others, I knew she’d always hoped, for almost ten long, hard years, that maybe some inkling of the old you she’d fallen in love with in high school would return.

How ironic is it that she was both right and wrong?

“We can’t say for certain,” I answered her honestly, “There’s no trace of him in either the Ghost Zone or the Mortal Realm, but he could just be hiding or playing with us again.” I don’t know why I kept insisting this. Everyone else knew, everyone else accepted your death, even celebrated it (which I found in horribly bad tastes.) but I just wouldn’t let you die like that.

It’s strange. I always swore to destroy the evil you, thinking it would remove the taint on your name only I knew existed and clear my conscious of the guilt of not being able to save you from yourself, but now that you were really gone, it only felt worse. Maybe that was because of the mysterious circumstances behind that last day I fought with you, the lack of closure I had over your disappearance…

“Do you think he’ll ever come back?” Paulina pressed. “You know him better then anyone, after all…” Did I? I knew your secrets, the ones that no other living person knows, but I didn’t know you anymore now, did I? I didn’t know how you got those powers, why you initially fought, how many others knew of your double lives or even why you’d want to be close to me, a ghost hunter, when you were half ghost.

I closed my eyes again and saw your face. Your human face, laughing at some joke I couldn’t remember anymore…

“…No,” I answered at last, opening my eyes to look at my Hispanic classmate. “I don’t think we’ll ever see him again.” Paulina smiled sadly.

“I thought as much.” She admitted softly. “Did you… were you the one who…?”

“No,” I confessed, “I didn’t finish him off.” My eyes were drawn to an arrangement of flowers in the shop. Baby blue Forget-Me-Nots, tied together with a white ribbon around their green stems. I touched the flowers gently, aware of Paulina’s curious gaze and not really caring. “…How much for these?”

“Take them,” Paulina said, “I’m  not going to take your money, Valerie. It’s the least I can do after everything you’ve done.”

“I…” I started to protest, but Paulina shot me a look before turning to busy herself with another arrangement. I sighed, smiling slightly to myself. “…Thank you,” I said, taking the flowers and heading for the door. I was careful with them as I continued down to my original destination, responding vaguely to the other greetings I got along the way.

Finally, I reached the place I wanted to be. The memorial for The Fentons Sam, Tucker and Mr. Lancer. It was littered with bouquets of flowers, from mourners who’d come here after you disappeared apparently for good.

No one but me knew how, but everyone knew that the deaths of the Fentons had some sort of connection you your sudden change. My father suspected, I think. That was why he let me continue to fight you like that, to try and avenge the humanity in you that I’d fallen hard for when I was still just a little girl…

Passing the landmarks, I stopped in front of a small, simple grave made from black marble with silver impressions, falling to my knees in front of it and placing the simple arrangement of forget-me-nots in front of me like an offering next to the picture of you I’d shattered long ago (newly framed) and the three or four other picture of you I’d propped up around the grave as I read the words I’d already memorized.

I was the one who’d made the headstone, after all, the one who placed it here when it was done. I felt it was only appropriate for you to be remembered here alongside everyone you ever loved. In the place where the you everyone thought they knew so well perished along with them. It was what you would’ve wanted.

“‘Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains or slavery?’” A mysterious voice behind me asked, making me twist around to look at the unfamiliar ghost floating there, also looking at the grave. “‘Forbid it, Almighty God. I know not what course others may take but as for me; give me liberty or give me death!’” He turned then to give me a knowing look, “Patrick Henry said those words as he was led to his own execution. I believe Danny was of the same mindset when he left this world. He wanted to be free so bad, he never stopped to consider the effect this actions might have upon others.”

“Free of what?” I asked, turning and standing. I was angry this ghost had the nerve to intrude upon what was supposed to be a private moment between us. “Who are you?”

“I am Clockwork, Master of Time,” the ghost introduced himself. “As for your first question… well, you already know the answer, don’t you?” I frowned at that response, turning back to the simple grave again.

“…Pain,” I answered quietly, remembering the guilt and emptiness that’d wracked you the last time I really saw you, “He didn’t want to be hurt anymore.” Not by the people of Amity, who never understood him, not by his own helplessness at the situation… and not by me.

“When a mother’s child dies,” Clockwork told me. “the woman might as well be buried with him, as a part of her also dies that day. Losing everyone who ever cared about you like that, as Danny had…”

“But he didn’t!” I insisted, tears stinging my eyes, “He had ME!” I couldn’t take it anymore. I broke down into sobs, “He had ME, damn it! I would’ve stayed. I would’ve…”

“It was too late, Valerie,” Clockwork sighed softly. “It’s too late for you and Danny. All that you loved about him was killed by what you hated, and even that side of him his now sealed away forever,”

“So he really is gone,” I said, staring blankly at the ground in front of me. I felt like I just wanted to curl up and die, to end this pain that was haunting me. But I couldn’t do that now, could I? That was the path you took, and look how that’d turned out. “All of him,”

“No,” Clockwork said, putting a hand on my shoulder, “He lives in you, Valerie. So long as we leave behind people who loved us, people who will remember us always, even the dead live on.” I stared at the grave in front of me for a moment, before turning back to Clockwork.

“You said you’re the Master of Time, right?” I asked, turning to look at him, “Is there anything I could’ve done to save him from this?” I needed to know where I’d gone wrong. I needed to see for myself if this personal hell was really all my fault…

“…No,” Clockwork answered, “Danny was beyond saving after the deaths of everyone else who loved him, consumed with guilt since he blamed himself, and the one mistake he’d ever made, for ending everything he fought for,”

“So I really didn’t stand a chance,” I said with a sad, forced smile, my tears still falling, “…I thought so,”

‘It was never up to me to save you,’ I told myself bitterly, ‘This is the only kind of relationship you and I were ever supposed to have, loving and hating each other at the same time.’

---

But now you’re gone, my walls fall too
No matter how cold we may seem
I allowed myself to hope anew
When red was replaced again by green…

---

“Here? Under these circumstances?” Clockwork asked me, “No. The chance of the love between you and Danny ever ending happily were highly minimal.” I sighed at those words. At least he was being honest, I guess.

Still, I couldn’t help but feel pain stab through me at those words. After all, I bet Sam would’ve been able to do it. Even under those bleak conditions, I bet she could’ve found a way to save you. That’s part of the reason everyone thought you two were lovebirds, because you were so RIGHT for one another, it hurt me to see you together.

Did you love her? I never found that out. I never knew how you felt for me, either, other then the fact that you were convinced I’d hate you as soon as I found out your secret. In all honesty, I didn’t even know how I felt anymore.

But now that you were gone for good, I could stop suppressing the part of me that loved you all along. I could mourn for you in peace where nobody else would. It was only fair, after all. As the only person left here who knew the truth, as the last person still alive to know you enough to love you, it was now my duty to allow your memory to live on, just as Clockwork had said.

In some ways, though, it hurt more to be sitting in front of this small memorial that only I knew existed then it did fighting your evil side off as he tried to destroy humanity. In a fight, everything was action, I didn’t have time to think about your eyes, or your smile, or how I used to daydream about kissing you. Here, I could help but think.

“He wouldn’t have wanted you to do this if it only brought you pain,” Clockwork told me, putting a hand on my shoulder. “He would understand if you wanted to move on, to forget.”

“I can’t move on,” I sighed, “I can’t forget. Not this, and not Danny. I owe it to him… to both of us… to get what little closure I can.” I just wished you’d listen to me that day I confessed to you when we were kids. I wish I hadn’t run away. I wish I could’ve found the strength to finish you off when you came back looking like the spawn of Satan…

And I wish I’d never fallen in love with you in the first place, to avoid this pain, this horrible feeling of loneliness, all together. But at that same time, not knowing what I do now, not having the memories that I have of us together… That would’ve hurt even more.

“Is that what you desire?” Clockwork asked me. “Closure?”

“I just…” I sighed, “I wish it never had to end up like this.”

“It doesn’t,” Clockwork told me, “At least, it doesn’t for the Danny who saved you the day the Evil Danny disappeared.” I jerked at that, turning to stare at the ghost.

“What do you mean?” I asked softly. Turning slightly, he waved an arm out in front of him, and a small vortex cut into the sky.

In it there was an image. An image of me and Danny on a Ferris Wheel at the Carnival. We were both smiling right up until we stared down in surprise when the Wheel jerked to a stop in the perfect place to see all the city lights glowing in front of us.

We both watched as the buildings in front of us seemed to light up as if by magic, spelling out DF + VG in a pink glow. The me in the image smiled and rested my head on your shoulder, a day dreamy look on my face. You smiled down at me as well, a genuine smile of someone who was content with their life. Someone who honestly cared about another person enough to protect them from anything…

“That was the last Danny you saw,” Clockwork explained to me softly, “Back in his own time. The time he managed to save from this fate by rescuing his friends and family.” I stared at the image, knowing exactly what the ghost was talking about.

I hadn’t wanted to believe it at the time. I didn’t want to get my hopes up that the Danny I cared about had returned to stop what he’d started so long ago… but when I looked up into those green eyes, I knew.

Because they were filled with the same innocence and youth we’d only known in childhood. Innocence you’d abandoned with your humanity, and innocence I’d lost in this fight to stay alive. The thing that had really got me, though, was the concern written clearly on your face. Concern for me, a woman who had tried to kill you more times then either of us cared to remember.

‘Then again, that was Danny back then,’ I reminded myself, smiling sadly. ‘He didn’t hold a grudge then, no matter how many times I tried to blast him sky high.’

I vaguely remembered telling you something about how cute you used to be before passing out in your arms, feeling safer then I had in the last ten years. Because this you, the you I remembered, could handle almost anything. Surely if anything could stop this demon, it would be you…

I blinked when the image shifted and I caught sight of Sam and Tucker hovering in some bushes at the base of the wheel, Sam hauling around a pair of infrared night vision binoculars and Tucker watching on in exasperation. Both very much alive and well. (If a little jealous on Sam’s part.)

“So, for him, it never happened?” I questioned, turning back to Clockwork.

“Not really,” Clockwork told me, “He knows about this, about what happened here, but he managed to stop it, and he vowed to never let it happen to him. No matter what hardships he faces now, he will not lose sight of how vital his humanity is,”

“And… and me?” I asked, staring at the image again.

“You have no idea about his ghost form,” Clockwork answered, “And as you can see, your chances of an intimate relationship with Danny increases.”

“But it’s not certain?” I asked, frowning.

“Nothing is certain, my dear,” Clockwork told me, “Nothing that is, but death,”

“A chance, huh?” I turned back to the grave, tracing your name gently. “…Well, my whole life’s been about chances. I guess one more won’t hurt me,” I sighed, “I just hope she doesn’t make the same mistake I did,”

“That is for time to tell,” Clockwork said with a gentle, knowing smile. “I will leave you to mourn in peace. After all you’ve been through, you deserve that much,”

“Thank you,” I smiled sadly, “And thank you for showing me that…” It was comforting in some weird way, to know that in some alternate dimension, another me had the relationship with you I only dreamed about.

“Think nothing of it, Valerie,” Clockwork told me with a slight bow, “After all, I feel he’d have wanted you to know…” and with that, he pushed a button on his staff, and I was left shielding my eyes as he disappeared in a flash of light, the vortex going with him.

Turning back, I studied the grave again.

“So, we’re not as hopeless as I thought, huh?” I laughed bitterly, “I wish I’d known that sooner… but wishing isn’t gonna change anything, is it? Even if she still has a chance, mine is long gone, and now I’m only left with memories.”

I sighed again, my eyes going down to rest on the forget-me-nots, the same vivid blue of your human eyes with their stems the same green as your ghost ones. That was why I picked them, they were the perfect flower for you, even in the name. You weren’t someone anyone could forget, you’d seen to that. You saved us all only to turn around and become our biggest threat.

And yet, through all of that, through all the pain and fighting I had to do…

“Danny,” I said softly, tracing your name again, “You know how you asked me, after you showed me you were Phantom, if I still loved you?” I closed my eyes, resting my forehead against the grave.

It felt cool against my skin, and I could feel you name cutting into my forehead, but I didn’t care. I needed to tell you this, to confess and clear my conscious before I moved on. To what, I didn’t know, but I did know what you would always be a major part of my life, even in your death.

“How pathetic is it that I do? Even after everything you put me through for the last ten years?” I shed one last tear that trickled down the black marble on a lone path as I said this, my voice shaking.

I wasn’t a confident huntress anymore, I wasn’t a solitary protector of the innocent. Just a lonely woman doomed to a disastrous love. That was what you’d managed to reduce me to without even trying.

“I hate you.” I croaked out. “I wanna kick your ass, kill you, send you to the ghost Zone then hunt you down and finish the job… But I already know that I can’t even if I tried. I love you too much for that.”

I laughed bitterly, lifting my head and reading your inscription yet again. It calmed me somewhat, seeing that name, those words on a grave. It did give me a small feeling of closure, and I doubted I’d get much more then that.

“I don’t know where I’ll go from here,” I confessed, “I don’t know what people will want from me now… but I know that I’ll never forget you, Danny, and I’ll never love someone the same way I loved you.”

Leaning forward, I closed my eyes kissed your name gently, the loving kiss we never shared in life. My confession done, I stood and started away, feeling as though a weight had been lifted from me. Still, I couldn’t help one last glance at that lonely, simple black grave sitting next to the elaborate monuments…

Danny Fenton
Danny Phantom

1992 - 2006

Loving Son, Loyal Brother
True Friend, Fallen Hero
And Lost Love

May he live on Forever in our hearts…
:crying:
© 2006 - 2024 WingsofMorphius
Comments29
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
awren's avatar
:tears: :crying:

So sad... and yet... so beautiful...